THE LAST THING TO GO IS A SENSE OF HUMOUR

I never really listened to music.  Well lets face it, when did I ever get the time, to sit and enjoy a cd or MTV (hell that is a scary channel to watch) lol.

But my ipod changed that, that and a very special person, who always had music around and an ipod firmly attached to their heads.  So I started thinking about my songs.

The first is Bette Midler singing ‘Wind beneath my wings’. That was always going to be my funeral song (sorry, but choose that when I was ill)

Shane Ward signing ‘Breathless’

Shania Twain ‘From this moment on’

Roberta Flack ‘First time, ever I saw your face’

Its amazing how a song, can bring back a memory, remind you of someone, make you laugh and cry, and give you hope for the future.

This post isnt meant to make sence, But to someone it will make total sence.

This is serious stuff.  Had a headache since, oh, about 1999 lol.  Got Little Monkey Nut off school ill.  He has a sore throat and as he calls it, ‘a bunged up throat’ one where talking hurts him, so of course he has been talking non stop.  He goes along the M40 to get to school and so far today I have had a detailed account of every car accident they have seen.  Is this the most dangerous motorway in the country? Cars seem to spontaneously combust most mornings.

Thankfully now he has passed out on the sofa, well it was the floor, so i carried him to the sofa. Where he is gently snoring like a wildebeest. 

And did I say that I have a headache and no ice-cream.

How on earth can a sock cause so much hassle? I mean, when you look at it, its a sock.  Not a weapon of torture, unless you have a child with Autism, then its worse that PMT, chinese water torture and watching X Factor.

I am sure that many parents of ASD kids are nodding at this.  Skin sensitivity is a big thing for our kids.  Whereas we feel something that isnt totally soft, an ASD child with skin sensitivity will feel is ten-fold.

Now Little Monkey Nut and clothes has always been an issue.  What does Dennis the Menace, Noddy, Supperman and Little Monkey Nut have in common? They always wear the same clothes. The same uniform.  He feels comfortable in one thing and wear it to death.  And socks are the worst.  This morning he had 10 new pairs to choose from.  And every single one was horrible.  They all felt wrong.  So I have a frustrated screaming and crying child and I wasnt far behind him. 

So I need to find socks that have no trim, no seams, so ideas on a postcard please

 

 

ARHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH

Yesterday took a crying Little Angel to school (me and her new teacher are in line for a ’warrior mum’ chat ) Managed to spend an hour with a sobbing daughter  trying to piece together what she was trying to tell me, in the end it seems that someone a TA I assume made her believe that if she didn’t take off her earrings (tiny studs that shes had since last year) that she cant do PE. Well she was a mess. And my blood pressure went up, she has Autism and cant communicate as a normal child can (God I hate that word) .

Get a call from little monkey nut’s school to say that he is in shutdown, wont eat or do anything, is sad and down and on the verge of crying. He gets home and he refuses to eat, even when I said that he can cook anything he wants himself. Then he starts sobbing saying he wants to die. So I have 2 kids sobbing, think I will join them.

Then this morning I go to phone mom as I have an app with the head doctor and no answer, this is 7am and she has to get up at 6.30 for his insulin, so after phoning non stop for almost an hour, she answers, clearly having a hypo. So I have to get 2 kids dressed, phone 999 and get an ambulance, give permission to the police to kick the door in (twice before she wouldn’topen the door, so the police had to kick the door in) get stuck in every blasted traffic jam, light and roadworks) get to moms and its the same paramedic from Xmas. Nice guy who mom told all about my divorce (thanks mom) lol. He said that her readings are 2.1 (normal is 7-10) but said her heartrate was eratic. So I am joking and trying to keep kids calm, knowing last time with hypo and her heartrate was eratic she went into heart failure.

So lovely Dave takes us all to A&E and little monkey nut got to ride up front with him, Brave Dave even let him press the buttons and little angel’s eyes were darting non stop with all the stuff in the ambulance.

If anyone fancies a nervous breakdown, take 2 kids with Autism to A&E, making sure said kids have had no brekkie. Put them in a big boring waiting room with drink, sweets, chocy and crisps vending machine.

Little monkey nut ran off and I spent 20 mins running around the hospital trying to find him. Finally found him back outside moms cubicle.  Told him off and said that I dont want him to get lost.  To which the cheeky sod answered, ‘I wasnt lost I knew where I was’ arhghghghgh

By this time her levels were 23.4 so they kept her in till they went down a bit. The Doc was lovely, and I offered to leave mom there and take him home.

So mom is staying with me, little monkey nut is a pain in the butt, mom is about to sit down and watch every ghost program on Sky and I am fed up and I may have to lock myself in the summerhouse with a large chocy cake, and I don’t even like chocy cake.
Oh and I also managed to finish the wallpapering in my study

Rant over

And a Catholic school in Manchester has refused to allow Girls to have the vaccine at the school.

Reasons from the school are … number of the school’s pupils who took part in a pilot study were subsequently off school suffering from nausea, joint pain, headaches and high fevers.

Well trust me, pain suffered from having Cervical Cancer hurts you emotional, physically and mentally.

Reasons from Parents are that feel this immunisation will turn their daughters into ragging nymphs.  What planet are some parents on? You can go into any public toilet and there are machines selling condoms.  Children get sex education earlier and earlier, and they know the risks of unprotected sex and underage sex.

As a mum to a daughter, I would gladly give my consent for her to have the vaccine.  As a woman of 37 who has had Cervical Cancer and who last year had to have my cervix removed along with a total abdominal hysterectomy, I would say to any parent, to let your daughters have this vaccine. 

As parents we want to protect our children, we want to hope and pray that they don’t have unprotected sex, but at the end of the day, what our children do is not controlled by our desires and hopes for them.  In having this vaccine, more parents wont hear their daughters saying, ‘I have got Cervical Cancer’  I cant even begin to image how my mom felt when I told her those words. 

I know how terrified I was when I heard those words, how terrified I felt that I wouldnt see my son and daughter growing up.

As parents its impossible to imagine something that may or may not happen to our daughters in 20, 30 or 40 years time, but as parents it should be impossible to imagine this disease taking your daughters life.

 

I got a message from a friendtoday (yes I am talking about you) and she said that she had read some of my blog about some things that I had written about her and her friendship.  And she said, ‘it was so lovely to read what you put and realise that I have made an impression somewhere!’

Well you daft donut you have made an impression on alot of people.  You are a fantastic mum and a good friend.  I know that life has not been easy for you and you are feeling scared and alone.

But know that you are not alone.  I will always be your friend, and anytime you need anything I will be there for you.  And there are so many here that are there for you as well.

I love you babes and I wont let you lose your way.  I will be right by your side when you need a supporting hand to hold.

And you bloody better not be crying woman lol xxxx

I want a whole new life.  I want glossy thick hair and not hair that has not become too thin due to being ill being stressed and various medications.  I will keep the boobs, as they cost enough lol.  I want to be able to juggle feelings and emotions in one hand and children and finances in the other.

I want to be able to play the piano.  I want to wake up each morning, knowing what the day will bring.  I want to not mess things up and hurt the people I love the most in the world.  I want to hear my daughter saying ‘I love you Mummy’ and hug me.  I want a day where my son doesn’t wish he was dead, or wish me dead. I want a day where I don’t have to deal with his anger and agression.

Wouldnt life be easier, if you could wake up one morning and have a new life.  A life so happy and so perfect.

But that’s not the real world, and it certainly isnt my life.  My life is filled with more feelings and emotions that the average Prozac Factory.  And there are days when I wonder how I will get through the next 5 minutes, let alone the next 12 hours.  But I guess all those emotions have made me who I am (Totally bonkers and totally adorable) ha ha

I seem to go from one life changing experience to another, more often than Paris Hilton changes shoes.  I am still going through the divorce from hell.  Now I am also having to look into residential school for my son.  Decisions that are too painful for words at times.  I never imagined having to make these types of choices.  Part of me thinks that I have failed.  Not the Divorce part, my soon to be ex (still not bloody soon enough) is a totally muppet, But have I failed at being a mum?

I always knew that having 2 children with Autism would totally change my life for ever.  But you never fully get used to that.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Yes I blooming well am, and I am allowed to.  Just for today.  Tomorrow normal business will be resummed.  Someone said, ‘what doesnt kill us, makes us stronger’ And I guess thats true. 

I know that the path may not run smooth, but one day I know that I will listen to this song and be truly happy

From this moment, life has begun

By Shania Twain

 

This week was due to be my Divorce week.  The day that I would come out of court a single woman.  I know that to lots of people, a divorce isnt a time to celebrate.  But for me, its when I am no longer ‘his wife’.

I needed closure.  I needed to forget a man that decided not to pay a penny in child support, a man that told his 2 children that he wasnt going to see them again, shortly before telling them that he was going to get a gun and kill their mummy.

I needed to get this man totally out of our lives.  I dont want to live with panic alarms in my home.  But with the finances not even mentioned, I am having to wait. 

Then this morning little monkey nut decides to have a humungous meltdown, that even took me by surprise.  So I have join the dots of bruises, which is nothing compared to the special needs child minder who got the full brunt of his agression.

So after an hour of meltdown, I compose myself enough to go to the vets to get my cats ashes.  I have been dreading this.  Firstly Munchie was my cat for 11 years and secondly as I was convinced that I’d trip up and the ashes would fly everywhere.  Thankfully they were sealed in a wooden casket.

Then some prize beep decides to play silly buggers with emails.  I dont know why some people are so sad and pathetic that they have to try and destroy other people. Well it wont work. You should read my blog and see that I am not a weak woman, I am a hell of a lot stronger than you will ever be.  So get a life and leave mine alone.

 

Well after being nagged non stop to get the kids a trampoline, I gave up and said yes.  I then spent weeks deciding on where it should go, (Neighbours refused to have it in their garden lol) what size, what colour and even what shape. 

Well decided to go for the biggest and rectangled shape.  My theory being that they could both go on it at the same time, and it was big enough for world war 3 not to start.

The wonderful Raa helped me put it together, well I held the springs and covered my ears to the swearing and ducked at the flying springs.

Had to have the surround to stop the little darlings from falling out, and with a padlock it can also double as a cage lol.

Well it was a success and I was thinking what a clever mummy I am.  Until …..

one week later, thud……

Little Angel fell off the trampoline.  Took a while to find out the Monkey Nut was climbing on the outside and daring her to chase him, so she did, and fell off.

One trip to A&E and she has a broken arm.  She was really good and didnt moan.  In fact she was even playing in the waiting room.  Well she now has a bright pink cast on her arm from hand to shoulder. 

Does it bother her?  No chance, she came home and went straight back on it, with me screaming that she was barred from it.  So 6 weeks in a cast, oh what fun.  I wonder how many times she will wollop her brother across the head.

It amazes me, how a man (I use that term very loosely) can get married, have children, so technically they are dads, but in reality, they are nothing but selfish, spoilt, insignificant waste of space.

When you go through a divorce, you see that a man you married, no long exists.  He becomes bitter and twisted on his desire for revenge.  Deciding to end a marriage isn’t an easy decision to make, you don’t wake up one day and think, my life isn’t complicated enough, so I will go through the hell of a divorce.

A marriage can be over for years (6 years and no sex for example) and you get to a point where you cant go on.  You spent all evening upstairs too scared to come down, willing him to fall asleep.  Dreading the weekends.  Until one day you finally see your children terrified, when they see their Dad shouting at their mummy and throwing things.  You decide that your babies will never have that look of fear again.

But where some men are grown up enough to know that a marriage is over, some prefer to try and destroy you.  But in trying to destroy the woman that dared leave them, they destroy their own children.

A so called loving father (terminology used by a solicitor) decides not to pay a penny towards his children, yet gets a new sports car, new furniture, even gets his hair hi lighted (I know sad, but once an 80’s prat, always an 80’s prat)

A man that tells his children ‘your mummy is dead to me’ and ‘I am going to get her’ .  Equally nasty and disgraceful grandparents who tell their grandchildren that their mummy is a bitch.  A man that never phones to see how his children are, but waits for them to call to see if he is collecting them on the one day a week he has decided on.  A man who then decides no I wont see my children just to get back at their mum.

What makes a husband turn into a vindictive bully, a father turn into a disgrace? Yet other men, accept that they have responsibilities to their children?

A woman spends 10 years being bullied and controlled, made to feel she is worthless.  A woman who listens while a husband says, ‘No man would want you with those scars’  A scar from where she had her cervix removed and a total hysterectomy, due to cervical cancer. 

Well one day she says enough is enough, that her and her children deserve a happy life and she hands him the divorce papers, knowing that the nightmare, instead of finishing is just about to start.

Well in 2 weeks, I get my Decree Nisi and then 6 weeks after that I am divorced.  So I will be planning my Just Divorced Party. 

At the end of the day, I am the strong one, not the weak one.  I will be happy and so will my children.  And him, well if he is not careful, he will end up bitter and twisted and alone.

And as for the men that make sure that their children arent destroyed in a divorce? Well I will marry him.